if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
