now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
