was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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