Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
then he tried to convert me to islam
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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