if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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