Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
