Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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