so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
