Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
pray to the hookup gods
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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