My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
