Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
