Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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