I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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