I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
