farters have to be the big spoon...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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