i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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