Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
