im drinking this country out of the recession.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
