your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
