He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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