What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
