She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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