Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
