So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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