Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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