I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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