They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
