Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
