my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.