I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.