I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
