happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
