You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
