I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
