i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
