Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
