I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
