Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize