No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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