I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize