i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
