Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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