There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
