At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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