I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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