They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
