yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
