I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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