I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
