Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it because I queefed?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
