dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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