I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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