Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
