Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
