my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
