Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
